Saturday, November 12, 2005

returning from the walk away

When I first decided to stop seeking God, I thought it would only be for a month or two. I never thought that it would be for over a year. I also thought that I would be able to come quickly back to where I had been in my relationship with God. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” I thought that if I turned and stepped toward him, he would instantly come close to me. Therefore the scripture about a person who denies God cannot come back to God I never fully grasped or believed.
Well, I think I understand this verse a little better now. From my perspective, after a year of walking without him and coming very close to denying him, and a few times actually denying him for a minute or two and thinking about going to hell, one cannot just come back to him and be back where you were when you left. I actually had to rededicate my life to him and I have had to start the journey of growing close to him all over again. And it was tough. At times I just wanted to quit. I was frustrated because I knew where I had been and I wasn’t there. I think this is what the verse about not being able to come back to God means. It was so tough and many would just give up. I might be wrong concerning this verse.
Though I believe that my walking away from God was more because my anger toward him than him testing me; I wonder if the example of the Israelites coming back to the Promised Land after being taken is an example that we can come back to God. The Israelites were the ones who sinned and God would destroy them and let them be taken captive so that they would repent. He would then restore them. Though my being captive was more due to my fault, the example that God can and wants to restore us I believe is hope. I still struggle with if I am allowed to be in his presence again after my walking away. The Israelites situation brings me hope that I am allowed to come back to him.
Last, in “The Damnation of Theron Ware” a statement is made about Protestants. We are like people who plant a bulb and then keep digging it up to see if it has begun to grow. We continue to analyze our spiritual walk in a way that keeps the lessons and our maturity from growing roots. I think this is very true, at least concerning me. But how do I change this? How do I stop analyzing my spiritual walk? I really have no answer yet. When God reveals it, I will share it.

just following

Friday, November 11, 2005

The beginning

As this being my first post and not having ever read anyone else's blogs, I ask for patience and mercy. I don't really expect too many people to look at my blog which takes any and all pressure off of me to write anything of mind-blowing proportions where you will feel the Holy Spirit overwhelm you and you fall to your knees weeping. I expect this to be more beneficial to me than to anyone else. I expect God to teach me and as I attempt to put into writing what He is teaching and correcting me on, I believe there will be even more clarification and more learning.

I committed my life to living for God when I was in the seventh grade. I am now in my early thirties. Every year or so since the seventh grade, I would be able to look back and see that I was growing in my relationship with God. Now I am not saying that I didn’t have times of backward momentum, but in general I was drawing closer to God. And I knew quite well how to live for Him and trust Him for much of my life.

But about four years ago I guess I gave in to a feeling that I was having toward God. I was angry with Him. For where my life had taken me. Where He had taken me. For Him letting me stop following Him. I am not sure what really happened. I just knew that my life was no longer caught up in His life and will. Though I wanted to, things just weren’t right. So the anger that I had became full blown and over a year, I stopped even trying to have a relationship with Him.

Though I will come back to explain what happened in the recent past, I am now trying to give my life to Him. I am again trying to live my life for Him. I am trying to come back into a relationship with Him.

It’s hard. At times I feel like I can never have that relationship with him again. No matter how much I desire it. So it is quite a delightful taste of hypocrisy that I am feel like God is wanting me to teach and exhort others toward a deeper relationship with God when I myself seem to have such a shallow relationship.

There are sooo many unanswered questions, but I think that this is enough for a first post.

just following